Executive Assistant without Mercy

I just got a call from a salesman wanting to speak with my boss, the president of the company. I know he was a salesman because I know the pushy, sly, trying-to-intimidate-me voice of a salesman. They are tricky, forceful, and try any number of clever voice approaches on me…such as a deep-voiced, don’t mess with a businessman, I want to talk to the president NOW.

Oh gosh, like that works on a fearless, experienced mature woman such as myself. Not.

Today’s punk-salesman tried the “I’m in a rush, so hurry up and connect me” voice. That doesn’t work either. They all use my boss’s first name, suggesting they actually know the man. That doesn’t work on me either. As the Assistant to the President (note use of very important capital letters in my job title), I know the people who know my boss. And this guy wasn’t one of them. Gosh I’m good.

Salesmen must think I’m stupid or easily intimidated. Salesmen forget how long it took us Executive types to stomp our way to the top of the working heap, and how clever we have become at filtering out riff-raff.

I asked him the name of his company and told him if this was a sales call that the president would not take the call. He said no one does. Got that right. Still…he demanded to be connected. Still…I didn’t do it. I told him the president was in a meeting and I asked again about the sales call angle and the nature of his business. He asked if I needed a hearing aid.

Oh son…you really…really should NOT get pissy with the Executive Assistant. You’ve hit her on a really…really menopausal sort of day. I could take you out without batting an eye and go for some ice cream after you’re laid out on the floor with little x’s over your eyes.

But, as a good professional, I kept my voice calm and unflustered. I asked again if it was a sales call. He asked again if I needed a hearing aid. Gosh…we’re not getting anywhere are we?

I suggested that if he were a customer with an issue, I could forward his call to someone else in the company who could help him (actually, I was thinking I could forward his call to hell). He said it was a “courtesy” call. Translates to sales. I stopped talking. Silence. He probably thought I was too scared to talk. I was filing my nails.

He asked to be connected to the president … NOW. Ooooh…look at me all scared and shivering in my expensive high heels that I could stomp you with. Ooooh I just love a sales guy with a good forceful “NOW” in his repertoire.

Again, I asked if it was a sales call. I just don’t give up. Again, he asked if I needed a hearing aid. I wanted to ask if he valued his piss-ant life and HIS ears, because he would be hard of hearing after I boxed his ears. Guess he read my mind as he hung up before I had a chance to say anything else.

I told the president I would like hazard pay as my job is getting pretty intense. He thinks I’m funny. Or he might be afraid of me. He tells everyone I’m his boss and I keep him in line.

So, if you see a sleazy guy named Josh who works for a company called Mills…tell him I’m looking for him. I’d like to make a courtesy call.